It's Friday, Chicklits!!!

Candy here:

Whoohoo!  No one is happier than I am that it's Friday.  The shackles of the corporate world are straining and busting at the seams where my luscious toned biceps are struggling against them... Okay, I lied.  My biceps are not totally buff.  Yet.  Muahahahaha!

I have a lot to make me giggle today, firstly and foremostly being the amazing thing I just saw in the blog's search terms-- someone googled "bustier candy" and found us!!!  Heehee!!!!  And to think, I haven't even raved about the erotic potentialities of clothing-- I think we need a post dedicated to listing the most seductive articles of clothing... 

Have a great weekend, everyone, and read lots of smut!  <3

Why does it always come back to Sandra Bullock?

Candy here:

It's no secret that if they were to make a movie of my life, I think Sandra Bullock is the only person who can play a charmingly clumsy character convincingly enough to represent me.  I'm not saying I'm nearly as attractive as she is-- but the silver screen paints everyone as more attractive than they really are.  As long as they'd be going in that direction, why not pick the very best?  Ah, Sandra does make me swoon a bit.

Without further ado, here is the momentous third conversation about the book, in which much is decided...

Babs: I feel like telling you that you have a book to be working on...
 :)
Candy: lol I know!
 I even dreamed about it!
Babs: I had several flu fueled dreams about it yesterday

though it was getting conflated with other bizarro flu fueled dreams

Candy: hey, the weirder the better for this book
Babs: if you wanted to write an incredibly odd, makes no sense, sexy, and hilarious novel, I could make that happen based purely on yesterday

 though we would have to change the names to protect some people

Candy: I can't wait to put our smart people in these stupid situations and watch them try to --
 lol
hey, I don't think we should be turning down any inspiration at this point
 we can always save some ideas for the next book, you know

Babs: oh! speaking of the next book, I think that it should be the exact inverse of the james bond movies and the like

Candy: the tough part is going to be deciding if this is a series with a larger story arc-- which would be nice, because I expect people will really like our characters
Babs: so rather than the guy getting to move from chick to chick, the woman gets to
Candy: after all, we're pretty likeable
 OH!
 I love it!
Babs: we are delightfully likeable
Candy: maybe that should be the first one!
but let's not make her a spy-- that's too... Lara Croft
 you know?
Babs: yeah

 nothing too predictable, I just like the model of inverting the male role

Candy: What if she were a traveling salesperson

Babs: oo

 I like that

Candy: Or like a trainer of some kind-- for a retail chain, or a corporation or something
that way she gets to travel a lot and is always meeting new people, and it would be easy to create tension from her timelines and her trying to keep from confusing her beaus
 and trying to do her job well
 she could be a motivational speaker
 or a political speechwriter
 who has to travel with her candidate

Babs: it would just be a matter of deciding which one makes the most sense for what we want to do

Candy: true
Babs: I like that they're all more "male" professions

 and the traveling thing is important I think

 because it gives more range

 and more people
Candy: yeah-- without having been glorified for male gratification like the female spy or adventurer
Babs: do we want her to be in a position of authority where people would admire her, or do we want her to be more common?
Candy: middle management?
Not CEO level authority, but I think it would serve our purposes for her to have a lot of responsibilities
 I'd like to see her handling her job with expertise and grace, but be personally clumsy
oh crap-- I'm picturing sandra bullock from that movie with Hugh grant
Babs: what about one of those people that does ethics training or something
Candy: I always come back to her!
Babs: because she's lovely
Candy: she is!
Babs: someone who does some kind of corporate training
Candy: I like ethics because she's going to be doing something many would consider unethical, but only unethical for women
and it gives her authority, but takes her out of the chain of command of all the people she'll be interacting with-- so there won't be any worries about getting involved with them

Babs: right

and, she could be more interested in doing the things that she's instructing them against

 for instance, we could show her preparing her presentation and thinking about how interesting it would be do some of those un-ethical things
Candy: ooo!
 that sounds hawt
Babs: oh, good

 :)

I like your making out idea

 which out of context, could be awkward

Candy: exactly!
yet make for super hot contact with someone that she thinks is attractive, but doens't know at all
 hm
we need a reason for her to be wanted by the kinds of bad people who would make her do such a thing
 what if she witnessed a robbery?
 Just before she leaves the state
Babs: or!
Candy: and the robbers want to find her because she's the only eye witness?

Babs: what if at a ethics training session she accidentally used the names of people who had actually commited the crime she was talking about

 so they think she knows, but she doesn't

 and because she leaves to go to the next one

 they think she's running

Candy: Oooh!
 That's good!

Babs: hilarity ensues

Candy: I like!  Babs, this article might actually help us: http://www.cracked.com/article_18866_5-reasons-women-are-as-shallow-as-men-according-to-science.html

Molly Felt Impaled...

Candy here:

I know, I use "Molly felt impaled" too often-- from here on out let's just make it MFI.  I actually still own the influential book it came from: Gypsy Fire, by Sara Orwig.  Here's a bit of context for the infamous line:

She tugged at him.  "Jake, please," she whispered, the words barely audible.  Yet they reached his ears, his heart, and his soul...

"Gypsy," he whispered, wanting suddenly to take her and at the same time wanting to give...and give...

Jake filled her slowly and Molly felt impaled, wanting him in a way she had never wanted a man.

Yeah, that stuff made my twelve year old heart pound ...   All youthful licentiousness aside, I think that phrase has come to symbolize the cheesiest of cheesy sex to me-- honestly, impaled?  Connotations for "impaled" include things like "Vlad, The..." and that horrible scene from Lord of the Flies.  Not exactly something that would pop into my mind in the midst of some hot love.  Blech.

The amazing women over at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books also dig the humor in poorly written romance, and I thought I'd share some of my favorites just to give you a laugh!

• Best line ever: "Kaliq dismounted with the same speed and grace as he would remove himself from the body of a woman he had just made love to."  Read more >>
•  Best way to stay pure: have anal sex with two men (or as the brilliant <b>other</b> Candy says, "teh butteseks" -- which effing cracks me up!  I'm going to use that spelling evermore after this just to help unsquick it for me.  Read more >>

Okay, okay, they really have a lot more, and yes-- I love this site!  I'll post up more of my own favorites from my library later on when I'm at home.  Until then, grab your box of tissue because the two posts I just linked to will make you laugh until you cry!

What does "turkey turning" have to do with it?

Another glimpse into our chats... this was shortly after the first conversation.

Babs: maybe the heroine of these novels could be clutsy and end up being inadvertantly sexy
spilling water on a shirt could be sexy
(covertly caused turkey turning can lead to potentially painful long lasting sinister side effects)
Candy: lol
so, our plot
Babs: the one to overthrow the world, or the one for the novel?
Candy: they have to get thrown together
Babs: I expect they might be remarkably similar
Candy: thrown together-- stop that!
Babs: lol
Candy: lollololol
Babs: sorry
Candy: they have to get thrown together by some incredibly unlikely circumstance
shall we start with the circumstance, or with their character sketches
Babs: circumstance
Candy: k
Babs: we might inadvertantly limit ourselves by beginning with character
Candy: so, possibilities....
deserted island
both vacationing in France, and get separated from their respective parties
:)
Babs: lol
Candy: possible due to drunkeness on one or both their parts
Babs: lol
master plan to take over the world misfires
Candy: one could be a politician's son and the woman could be secret service
(just to mix it up)
Babs: oo
Candy: He could be the plumber
or, better yet she could be the plumber
Babs: yeah
I like subversive gender roles
I fear being too heteronormative
Candy: me too
and it will help keep them on their toes
Babs: yeah
Candy: She could be a mercenary hired to rescue his brilliant scientist ass from terrorist kidnappers
Babs: I like it
Candy: Or we could go more "Die Hard" and have them get trapped in a building during some hostile takeover-- but maybe it turns out its the guy from office space and he just wants his stapler
Babs: lol
a renegade cruise ship isn't that scary
Candy: lol
Babs: but, it could have an awkward beginning if they were on a cruise, and accidentally took off without any other passengers
then there would be a lot of spaces to use
Candy: what if they escaped it and ended up on an island of some kind
Babs: yeah
Candy: What if it wasn't a whole cruise ship, it was a pleasure yacht, and he was related to the rich politician who owned it, and she was one of the bodyguard/ss types on the boat
Babs: oo
I like it
Candy: maybe she was in plainclothes so she wasn't in the initial wave of people thrown overboard
 it might be neat to try to work in as many of these cheesy scenarios as possible
Babs: yeah
it would be fun
if we picked a bunch of tropes
and went through them
I mean, they're limitless
and, I like the idea of a boat, because it's less conventional space
Candy: It might be fun to play with their personalities in an unexpected way, too--
all the women in these books think they're so plain-- they're always describing themselves as too thin, or having too much of an hourglass figure-- but of course they're always gorgeous
what if she thought she was gorgeous
or visa versa
he was normal, and he thought he was unattractive
Babs: I like that
if he thinks he's unattractive
Candy: it's always that the girl has a bad relationship in her past that makes her think she's unattractive or unworthy
Babs: and if she's attractive, but not sexy maybe
or rather, not trying to be
Candy: so let's give him that past
yes!
This is going to be funny
Babs: we need a good geeky, but attractive, clumsy girl
who is inadvertently appealing
Candy: maybe she's practical-- and his ex was like Paris Hilton-- totally high maintenance-- so her practical yet clumsy ways are super cute and sexy to him
Babs: yes
I like it

Candy here:  I can see that I'm going to have to put in some background about my early writing for the "France" references to make sense...
Okay, back to the beginning, as Inigo Montoya once said!  I have always been a voracious reader.  My family wasn't so well off (okay, maybe dirt poor would be more accurate), so at one point when I was maybe 9 or 10 years old my mom found a box of paperbacks at a garage sale for some ridiculously low price, and for some unfathomable reason, purchased them for me.  I'll give you three guesses what kind of books they were, and your first two don't count.  Yeah-- Harlequins.  Lots of them.  I went from Christopher Pike and Beverly Cleary to "Molly felt impaled"-- it was definitely a game changer for me.  This more "sophisticated" style heavily influenced my early writing, and I still have a notebook full of my preadolescent attempts at smut-- soon to be published for the first time ever right here!!!  (Never thought I'd be so grateful to a cheesy pseudonym!!!  Heehee!)  In any case, at the beginning of the notebook there is a list of potential romantic situations for my characters that my 12 yr old self had brainstormed; they included most notably "In France, drunk" and "In France, sober."  Because 12 yr olds think that being drunk is romantic, apparently-- though I have to give myself credit for seeing that intoxication levels would entirely change the situation, even when one is in France.  :)  Full list and exerpts to be posted shortly.

I could write some really terrible romance novels...

This happened about three months ago.  Our first IM conversation about the book went something like this:

Babs: I could write some terrible romance novels
really sarcastic ones
 that only five people would enjoy reading
 five was an arbitrary number, it's probably less in reality
Candy: lolol
 I bet you'd be surprised
 There's a market for everything
 that vamp video really proved it
Babs: maybe some really practical but over emotional novels
with an overblown and dramatic romanticism
 that is still sarcastic
 something titled "the throbbing member"
Candy: I'm not sure you've read enough Harlequin to be able to say that yours would be overly emotional, relatively speaking
Babs: or "the oiled chest"
Candy: lol
 hahahaha
Babs: "the torn bodess"
Candy: I bet they'd go like hotcakes
Babs: lol
Candy: (bodice)
Babs: curses
Candy: :)
Babs: :)
 that's why I keep you around
 the monkies bodess
Candy: Actually, I think that would be an awesome premise for a novel-- a parody of a romance novel that actually happened to have a lot of wit
Babs: we just have to find someone witty
 and sell them on writing it
Candy: lol
 Something almost like Enchanted for adults
Babs: oo
 I like it
Candy: with more torn bodices
Babs: and more monkies
Candy: where at the end, there's real love, but in between, there's a lot of confusion with all the oiled bodies tumbling about
Babs: I think more torn bodices as well as the practical concerns of a rapidly diminishing wardrobe
Candy: yes!
 which could have easily happened in Enchanted
 if it weren't for those drapes
Babs: and the helpful animals
Candy: I try not to think about that part
Babs: the rats?
Candy: the bugs
Babs: right right

 I had blocked that

Candy: see!
Babs: lol
 I think we could be onto something here
 think of how quickly we could churn these out
Candy: If only one of us were a writer
Babs: or entertaining
Candy: lol
Babs: you could modernize all those "native meets white woman" romance novels
to something modern and ridiculous
 like him being Canadian
Candy: lol
 actually, Jenna just invited me to a weekly Sunday afternoon writers group-- kind of a "come when you can make it" type thing
Babs: that's neat! are you going to go?
Candy: the problem is, I'd want to put in some really hot scenes, and I don't think I'd want to share them with a group...
Babs: hmm
Candy: I haven't been doing any writing to speak of...
or even not to speak of
Babs: I think they should be hot and slightly ridiculous/funny
Candy: like that video?!
Babs: yes!
 that's the model
Candy: :D
Babs: it's sexy
 and you want to watch it
 alone
 in the dark
Candy: YES!
Babs: but it's also funny
Candy: again and again
Babs: because it's so ridiculous
Candy: yes!!!!
 lololol
Babs: we can do this
Candy: Okay, we just need a plot outline, and some quick character sketches
 I think we actually could do this-- omg, and publish as Bandy!!!!!!
Babs: no problem, they're the archtype of every character that's ever been overused
Candy: yes!
Babs: with a sense of humor and practicality added in
Candara lives
Candy: but it's going to take our special genius to come up with the brilliant quirks
Babs: Candara Barbice Georgeson
  CBG
Candy: YES
 I love it
Babs: FLT
 this is a plan
 :)
Candy: FLT!!!!!
Babs: we need a logo
Candy: That's what I'm going to work on today (plot, not logo)
Babs: I've got a logo idea
  it could be a fun little project
 which will make us millionaires
 and I won't have to move anywhere... :)
 I feel like that's entirely practical
Candy: I like it
Babs: ditto
Candy: I feel like this could go very well
Babs: agreed

Things have gone downhill from there...