Nail Polish Whore

And because I will do anything for the chance at new nail polish, here is a boost for an incredibly cool site I'm super glad I found called Vintage Musings of a Modern Pinup, and here is a link for an outrageously badass giveaway!
http://konadlicious.blogspot.ca/2012/04/konadlicious-500-awesome-3000-followers.html

Uh oh, Candy wants some candy...

Candy here:

Have I mentioned that my local library is magical?  It is.  It's an absolutely fantastical place where I can drive up to a window, and they will pass me out stacks and stacks of books-- and we DO NOT exchange money!!!  It feels like stealing, but it's entirely legal!  It also helps me get my smut fix without breaking the bank, because let's be honest, most smut is not something you really need to purchase-- it's single-read only material.  If I find something I really like, I'm happy to go out and purchase it.  I love to reread (and I don't understand people who don't!), so I have a huge collection of books.  But there are definitely some things that are not worth the money or the space they take up on my shelves.

Yesterday was one of those magical days when I visited my local library.  The librarian at the drive-thru window scolded me because you're supposed to go inside if you have more than 5 books to pick up; I had about 11.  I didn't know!  (Actually, it makes me feel wonderful to be scolded by a librarian-- I feel like I'm giving them something to do, and as though I've transgressed in such a completely minor way-- it's almost like being tickled!  I love it!)  I got home and realized that I had to crack open one of the super smutty books right away.  I've been on a kick of higher fantasy and scifi, and it's been a few weeks since I sunk my teeth into something that I'd actually be embarrassed to read aloud.


Have you read anything lately that you'd be embarrassed to read aloud?  Or even embarrassed to be seen reading?  I know our topic is usually romance, but I've recently been reading some Patrick Rothfuss (high fantasy-- brilliant author!), and he had an experience worth sharing with you.  He is a big fan of Amber Benson (who formerly played Tara on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and got to make out with Alyson Hannigan...), who apparently became a romance novelist when she grew up.  Hot.  I'm just saying.  Anyway, Amber and Patrick became friends, and at a convention of some kind, they agreed/dared each other to read their respective sex scenes aloud.  I guess Patrick hadn't read Amber's book, and hadn't realized how explicit her content was before volunteering to be the male half of her dialgog... Hilarious hijinks ensue!  Watch the video here on Patrick's blog (just scroll down a little) -- I was practically weeping with laughter.

Enjoy, chicklits!!!  Have a great week!  :)

Homotoastual: The greatest revelation since sliced bread

Babs here: 

ho·mo·toast·u·al

 [hoh-muh-tohst-shoo-uhl]

–adjective

1.

of, pertaining to, or exhibiting homosexuality as it relates to bread-based products.

2.

of, pertaining to, or noting the same bread type.

One morning, over a delightful breakfast, Candy and I had a sudden co-revelation. The relationship between two pieces of toast is the most explicitly homosexual bread-based relationship that one could imagine. Two pieces of bread, the same in every biological way, smooshed together on a plate. By far the gayest of all breakfast treats, and perhaps the most delicious, toast is nothing if not homoerotic and provocative. Our suspicions about the precise relationship of the toast were confirmed when, to our delight, we discovered that what separated these pieces of clearly-in-love bread was a generous helping of melted butter. Rather than continue the analogy to something that would make it impossible for me to eat toast ever again I’ll leave that for your imaginative delight. From this revelation a new word is born: homotoastual. Learn it, use it, love it. I imagine Webster's will be contacting us shortly about including this in their next edition.

In which Candy makes a smut list

Candy here:

Okay, so I've discussed my early start in smut, but I didn't stick with the Harlequins.  I also have a dark side, and yes, I liked the vampires before they were cool!!!  Anybody remember Lost Boys?  Between Jason Patric, Kiefer Sutherland, ooh la la Jamie Gertz (yeah, her and Princess Leia were my earliest crushes... please don't even ask!)-- who wouldn't get vampire fever?!  I don't know what it is about the supernatural that does it for me-- but I LIKE it a lot.  Here's the beginnings of an annotated list of some of my faves, just in case you're interested in some titillating reading...  I'll keep posting more of this list as I have time to write it.

• Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series-- she was my first supernatural series, so I'll always have a soft spot for her, but yes, I absolutely agree with the haters that the last quarter of the series has just been bad porn and forgettable extras.
•  Jacqueline Carey's Terre D'Ange books -- Yes, all three trilogies-- these are just outstanding and have not degraded in quality at all as she's progressed.  I'm very impresed.  These aren't supernatural in a vampire-type theme, but they do prominently feature gods, angels, and those who've been granted special powers via those beings.  It's still supernatural-- and believe you me, Sister, they are HOT!!!  Aside from their tingly-making qualities, one of the best things about these books is that they are written beautifully-- Carey writes like Botticelli paints.  Honest.
• Charlaine Harris's Southern Vampire Mysteries -- of the TrueBlood fame.  No, I didn't crack a book before I saw the series (truthfully, the heroine's name, Sookie Stackhouse, really repelled me), but I do think the books are much better than the shows.  (Yes, even though I love Jessica and LaFayette just as much as everyone else, the books are just THAT good!)  I also highly recommend the audio books; although a Southern accent usually makes me cringe (I know, it's so racist of me and I hate myself for it), the incredibly talented woman who reads these makes it absolutely charming.  It also makes the books last a bit longer; otherwise they are over too quickly.  I like Ms. Harris's work, but the reading level of these is a bit YA for my taste (which is odd, considering how much smut they contain... Damn you, English literature classes, for making me such a snob!!!). (Note-- I'm not saying that they're poorly written, by any means, just that they're very easy to read-- especially earlier in the series.)
• Nicole Peeler's Jane True series -- This is a relatively new series, but it is outstanding.  Jane True is a great character because we meet her before she realizes she has any special powers, and get to witness her character growth as she learns more about the supernatural world and develops her own supernatural abilities.  (Jane is half selkie-- that is, her mother could turn into a seal-- so Jane has lots of water based powers.)

It's Friday, Chicklits!!!

Candy here:

Whoohoo!  No one is happier than I am that it's Friday.  The shackles of the corporate world are straining and busting at the seams where my luscious toned biceps are struggling against them... Okay, I lied.  My biceps are not totally buff.  Yet.  Muahahahaha!

I have a lot to make me giggle today, firstly and foremostly being the amazing thing I just saw in the blog's search terms-- someone googled "bustier candy" and found us!!!  Heehee!!!!  And to think, I haven't even raved about the erotic potentialities of clothing-- I think we need a post dedicated to listing the most seductive articles of clothing... 

Have a great weekend, everyone, and read lots of smut!  <3

Why does it always come back to Sandra Bullock?

Candy here:

It's no secret that if they were to make a movie of my life, I think Sandra Bullock is the only person who can play a charmingly clumsy character convincingly enough to represent me.  I'm not saying I'm nearly as attractive as she is-- but the silver screen paints everyone as more attractive than they really are.  As long as they'd be going in that direction, why not pick the very best?  Ah, Sandra does make me swoon a bit.

Without further ado, here is the momentous third conversation about the book, in which much is decided...

Babs: I feel like telling you that you have a book to be working on...
 :)
Candy: lol I know!
 I even dreamed about it!
Babs: I had several flu fueled dreams about it yesterday

though it was getting conflated with other bizarro flu fueled dreams

Candy: hey, the weirder the better for this book
Babs: if you wanted to write an incredibly odd, makes no sense, sexy, and hilarious novel, I could make that happen based purely on yesterday

 though we would have to change the names to protect some people

Candy: I can't wait to put our smart people in these stupid situations and watch them try to --
 lol
hey, I don't think we should be turning down any inspiration at this point
 we can always save some ideas for the next book, you know

Babs: oh! speaking of the next book, I think that it should be the exact inverse of the james bond movies and the like

Candy: the tough part is going to be deciding if this is a series with a larger story arc-- which would be nice, because I expect people will really like our characters
Babs: so rather than the guy getting to move from chick to chick, the woman gets to
Candy: after all, we're pretty likeable
 OH!
 I love it!
Babs: we are delightfully likeable
Candy: maybe that should be the first one!
but let's not make her a spy-- that's too... Lara Croft
 you know?
Babs: yeah

 nothing too predictable, I just like the model of inverting the male role

Candy: What if she were a traveling salesperson

Babs: oo

 I like that

Candy: Or like a trainer of some kind-- for a retail chain, or a corporation or something
that way she gets to travel a lot and is always meeting new people, and it would be easy to create tension from her timelines and her trying to keep from confusing her beaus
 and trying to do her job well
 she could be a motivational speaker
 or a political speechwriter
 who has to travel with her candidate

Babs: it would just be a matter of deciding which one makes the most sense for what we want to do

Candy: true
Babs: I like that they're all more "male" professions

 and the traveling thing is important I think

 because it gives more range

 and more people
Candy: yeah-- without having been glorified for male gratification like the female spy or adventurer
Babs: do we want her to be in a position of authority where people would admire her, or do we want her to be more common?
Candy: middle management?
Not CEO level authority, but I think it would serve our purposes for her to have a lot of responsibilities
 I'd like to see her handling her job with expertise and grace, but be personally clumsy
oh crap-- I'm picturing sandra bullock from that movie with Hugh grant
Babs: what about one of those people that does ethics training or something
Candy: I always come back to her!
Babs: because she's lovely
Candy: she is!
Babs: someone who does some kind of corporate training
Candy: I like ethics because she's going to be doing something many would consider unethical, but only unethical for women
and it gives her authority, but takes her out of the chain of command of all the people she'll be interacting with-- so there won't be any worries about getting involved with them

Babs: right

and, she could be more interested in doing the things that she's instructing them against

 for instance, we could show her preparing her presentation and thinking about how interesting it would be do some of those un-ethical things
Candy: ooo!
 that sounds hawt
Babs: oh, good

 :)

I like your making out idea

 which out of context, could be awkward

Candy: exactly!
yet make for super hot contact with someone that she thinks is attractive, but doens't know at all
 hm
we need a reason for her to be wanted by the kinds of bad people who would make her do such a thing
 what if she witnessed a robbery?
 Just before she leaves the state
Babs: or!
Candy: and the robbers want to find her because she's the only eye witness?

Babs: what if at a ethics training session she accidentally used the names of people who had actually commited the crime she was talking about

 so they think she knows, but she doesn't

 and because she leaves to go to the next one

 they think she's running

Candy: Oooh!
 That's good!

Babs: hilarity ensues

Candy: I like!  Babs, this article might actually help us: http://www.cracked.com/article_18866_5-reasons-women-are-as-shallow-as-men-according-to-science.html

Molly Felt Impaled...

Candy here:

I know, I use "Molly felt impaled" too often-- from here on out let's just make it MFI.  I actually still own the influential book it came from: Gypsy Fire, by Sara Orwig.  Here's a bit of context for the infamous line:

She tugged at him.  "Jake, please," she whispered, the words barely audible.  Yet they reached his ears, his heart, and his soul...

"Gypsy," he whispered, wanting suddenly to take her and at the same time wanting to give...and give...

Jake filled her slowly and Molly felt impaled, wanting him in a way she had never wanted a man.

Yeah, that stuff made my twelve year old heart pound ...   All youthful licentiousness aside, I think that phrase has come to symbolize the cheesiest of cheesy sex to me-- honestly, impaled?  Connotations for "impaled" include things like "Vlad, The..." and that horrible scene from Lord of the Flies.  Not exactly something that would pop into my mind in the midst of some hot love.  Blech.

The amazing women over at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books also dig the humor in poorly written romance, and I thought I'd share some of my favorites just to give you a laugh!

• Best line ever: "Kaliq dismounted with the same speed and grace as he would remove himself from the body of a woman he had just made love to."  Read more >>
•  Best way to stay pure: have anal sex with two men (or as the brilliant <b>other</b> Candy says, "teh butteseks" -- which effing cracks me up!  I'm going to use that spelling evermore after this just to help unsquick it for me.  Read more >>

Okay, okay, they really have a lot more, and yes-- I love this site!  I'll post up more of my own favorites from my library later on when I'm at home.  Until then, grab your box of tissue because the two posts I just linked to will make you laugh until you cry!